I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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