My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
