i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
