We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
