Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
