Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
