just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
