I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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