so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
