Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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