The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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