Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dignity is for republicans.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
