i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
His nipple licking is glorious
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