I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
