I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
