I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
