My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
