You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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