It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
