i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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