I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
