My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
True strength comes from lack of pants
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
