The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
