I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
