I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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