Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
