I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
