I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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