If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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