i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
