Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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