She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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