Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
MIDGETS
????
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
