wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
