i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
