Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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