My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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