haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
