the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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