This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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