a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
