Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
