threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
