can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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