omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
