I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
