You work out of a Hotel?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
