I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
