I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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