Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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