This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We need a shit load of segways right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
