I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
